Two weeks before my birthday. The pessimists would say your birthday is just another day. The optimists would say every age is a golden age. As a visionary I’d say your birthday is your own personal New Year. It marks a time in your life to look back at how far you’ve come, what you’ve learned and what you would like to experience or explore in your coming years. I’m at a point in my life where it’s not about regrets, its not about where I’ll be when I’m eighty or if I’ll live to see eighty…it’s about how I want to FEEL at any given moment. How I want to make others around me FEEL. Exchanging energy, connecting, perceiving then reacting in a considerate and thoughtful way no matter what the case is. I think back to where I was exactly one year ago, or one year before that and it never ceases to amaze me how short a time your life can change and how fast new paths can develop.

Four years ago, I graduated high school and moved out on my own with all these misconceptions that I was 18 and knew it all and my parents were simply stuck in another time zone. Three years ago I moved back home with thoughts of saving money and spending more time with my family after learning that some friends never appreciated or deserved my energy. Of course on the upside I did meet some who did, but I finally realized just how much insight and wisdom my parents had yet to instill. So I moved home and three months later, my parents left for Florida to escape the stress of running a business into debt. I stayed behind with my brother because I was in the middle of an apprenticeship between work and school I worked my tail off to get. Watching my family leave tore my heart. I know now it was best for them and I’m grateful they’re happy, but at the time it was scary to think I had no one I could turn to if and when times got rough. It made me grow up real quick. Living with my brother turned out worse then I expected. I mean I knew our lifestyles would clash, but once again I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I love my brother with all my heart, but we don’t see eye to eye on hardly any of life’s issues. So, I moved out and in with the person I was seeing at the time. And once again, a little over a year later I was moving out of an apartment. Moving away from a relationship that wasn’t meant to progress, but in the process of figuring that out…I learned about what I need and deserve from someone I’m going to share myself with. Its funny how someone who I wasn’t supposed to be with could teach me so much. Maybe not in the technical sense, but in an emotional sense. Everyone is a teacher, regardless of race, gender, religion, class, status, age or career….everyone has something to teach.  I packed my bags and ventured on to my own humble abode aka a studio apartment to inhabit peacefully by myself.

A beautiful day. Absolutely Beautiful. From the moment I woke up this morning I just felt this incredible zest for life. I'm usually not a morning person, but something about this morning just gave me this incrediblly undescribable momentum. Some days I just feel like I'm reaching another level spiritually. I feel so re-charged and ready to tackle anything right now. I think it really strted last night when I was being silly making bubble gum wrapper airplanes in class, but yet still trying to pay attention. Then after class I had this urge to run, so I did, from the sixth floor all the way to the parking lot. School's going pretty good and although work has been an issue of stress I suddenly feel liberated. I feel unique in this field I chose and I love making people's day a little brighter even if its my mood that needs uplifting. Today I decided to be an even better listener, even more thoughtful and I feel this unfathomable need to understand and absorb and form everyone's energy. I'm not really self absorbed but I can feel a change creeping up. I want to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better girlfriend and a better friend. I am in a lot of ways, those things, but instead of going off on tangents about my life, I want to just be more passionate about the people I care about and help them in any way I can. I want to help kids struggling to understand adolesence and let them know they're not alone. I want to make those people that never laugh split a side... and pass on a smile to that lonely man searching for cans or that stressed out single mother at the supermarket with four kids. People forget sometimes to really and truly squeeze their sponge and dive into the beauty of life loving and learning everything thats surrounding. That's my focus to grow myself and help other people at least see they can too if they really want to.

This will be my only source of self absorbtion. From this day forward its all about making the people around me a little happier.

Today I was driving home from work and just observing the trees in all their glory changing shades of red and orange and yellow and green. Autumn is so beautiful here. I wish Zak could see. He loves trees and nature as much as, if not, more then me.

Tonight I have to clean up my apartment, and tomorrow my car and then I'm gonna try and chill with Krystal and Sarah for a little while. Sarah's been depressed lately and I think it's because she's lonely, so I wanna see how she's feeling. Gotta get up early to do research for my paper at the library. Oh and word! I start a new job Monday. My boss finally came to see me at work and totally agreed that Jarvis is not a good spot for apprentice training. Amazing. I waited five weeks to hear that. The people I work with weren't too excited about me leaving. I'll actually miss a few of them. It's crazy how fast bonds can form.

I hope everyone that read is having a good weekend. Smile for me